That one box I was suppose to do last night? Wasn't done. No. In fact, it is still sitting in my damn bathroom. Staring at me. I thought I would put it off and just take on the project of packing my books up today and driving them over to the book store to sell. Worst idea I have ever had ever.
I am motivated to makes changes..believe that. And I knew I would have a hard time packing my books up. I pulled them off the shelf one by one, apologizing to them...telling them they were going to find new homes..blah blah blah. And yes. It was emotionally draining. SOOO emotionally draining. I got about half way and stared at the empty shelves and I could feel it. I could feel my anxiety levels shoot through the damn roof. The space. It got even worse when I finished the other two bookshelves. I stood there questioning myself. Is this what I really want? All this dead space? And I forget that this is not what I am creating. I am not making "dead space". I am creating room to grow myself. Though, I could feel my mood change the more I was packing up. I felt myself get more and more anxious and stressed. I'm not kidding you when I say it feels like I am packing up my animals to take them to the pound. Knowing they may or may not live.
The plan was to take them to my store and sell them off. But as the box amount grew I began to grow a little worried that they weren't going to fit in Bucket. (Bucket = my car) I went downstairs to assess the situation and that's about when I lost it. I opened the back door and saw another box of stuff...and the whole back seat area had random crap everywhere. I shut the door and went to the trunk. Which made it even worse. MORE crap. Tools that Dan couldn't pawn off, ANOTHER box of books that I hadn't even brought in yet, stuff from the wedding and move. I started feeling so overwhelmed. I'm trying to PURGE and crap just keeps showing up! I even caught myself filling up the spaces I had just created..with more stuff! Like..pictures and trinkets and crap. Like...I just can't help myself but to fill the space!! WTF is wrong with me?!
That's all I feel right now is overwhelmed. There's too much to go through. I went to the bathroom to take a shower and there as the damn box I said I was going to go through. I knew I shouldn't have skipped the box and jumped right into my biggest weakness.
You know what is so disturbing?? I found a small box of receipts from the books I bought from when i was at 113 in San Antonio. And I KNOW this wasn't all of them. Mind you I had only been at that store for like..a year and a few months.
 |
| the evidence of someone who has lost control |
$757.58
$757.58 was the total after I added all those receipts together. SEVEN HUNDRED FIFTY SEVEN. And again...that wasn't even all of them. I am positive there are some I had that I just threw away. And this is just ONE year at ONE store. I'm about to transfer to my SEVENTH store tomorrow and I have with this company for eleven years. Now, granted a couple hundred dollars could have been like bonuses that they put on our card. Like..every anniversary they put money on your employee card. But the majority of those receipts had a VISA card as the payment type. I can't even imagine..if this is just a snippet of my purchasing habits...how much money I have thrown down the toilet. I am so incredibly furious at myself. All the money problems we have and I have this going on in the background because I "have to have it in my collection". It's so weird. Now that I am thinking about it now. Maybe I held onto these receipts for this exact moment. Maybe part of myself saw what I was doing to us financially and she hid it away for me to find and come to this epiphany. Like... I knew I was going to be at a point in my life somewhere and this small box would play a significant part in it. Or maybe they are also some sort of sick trophy. Look at how much we have spent. Either way...it did it's job.
It's sad because when I go in to finally sell my stuff back. I am only get a small fraction of that. Bleh. That's what I get.
So. Along side with being anxious about selling my books off...creating space I am not at ease with having...being furious about the receipts..We are meeting up with some new friends tonight whom I've never met face to face..so my anxiety level is through the roof..OH AAAND I am starting at my new store tomorrow knowing that potentially all the staff already hates me.
I know the friend thing and store thing will all be good in the end. I'm excited to make new friends and play some games tonight and get in some good human to human interaction. I'm also excited to go into the store tomorrow and kick ass.
SO I leave you with that. The journey *is* hard. And I know it's only going to get harder the more I actually face my stuff and problems.
More later..I'm sure..
Why in the crappity crap would they already hate you at this new store?! Why would anyone ever dislike you? That does not compute.
ReplyDeleteMinimizing is painful... I've also realized that a lot of my financial predicaments are my own fault because of my horrible spending habits. I seem to move continuously from one thing to the next... always collecting something I could easily live without... But once that realization sticks, things get better, y'know.
And I've heard that people who collect memories from events are happier in the end than people who collect things... I try to look at all the junk I have and make a mental note of the event it symbolizes or how this book made me feel, stuff like that. Then I think of how I could just fill a house all around me with things that symbolize something or make me feel something, or I could release my things into the wild and let them make new memories with new people, and I can go make new memories for myself. It's easier said than done, but I think minimizing has a beautiful philosophy behind it, and it's a path, not a destination. If you can't get everything done at once, don't stress too much, ok, lady? You'll do just fine.
It's a complicated situation that I shall surely fill you on through the Facebooks. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your awesome words of wisdom, Chan! I know future Angel will be so appreciative of what I am doing *right now*. I know it will be nothing but good to my pocketbook and maybe I will actually be able to breathe for the first time. I think deciding to make the choice to not purchase anymore books is a good first step. It'll show me that I can actually develop some sort of self control and that if I am getting by without them...then I can get by without say...that super awesome bunny cookie jar that I totally wanted at Target that totally had my name all over it.
I love that.."release my things into the wild" bit. It give our possessions some sort of personality, which, I suppose is how we actually do treat our stuff!! I certainly treated my books like that when I was apologizing to them for packing them up.
Thanks for the advice :)
It took me a long time to learn how to let material things go. Books were hard at first, but the worst was CDs. Originally, I needed the money. But, as technology gave me no real reason to keep physical objects (ebooks and mp3s) I started to appreciate getting rid of all the crap I had laying around. There was an emotional attachment to some of it, but the trade-off is the relief of the oppressive burden of so much "kipple" (see Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?). The things I regret getting rid of are musical equipment. But I wasn't using them at the time. I still do collect a little bit, but I keep it to a minimum.
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