So I think I am comfortable enough to express the issues I am having with my life on here. I know I am accountable for my actions and blogging what is going on with how I am feeling has been a nice outlet. I use to write in a journal every day. I think if I ever do decide to extend my minimalism to my more personal items...my old journals would be the hardest to let go of. But I will leave that for another post....
Anyways...I meant to start going somewhere with opening up with talking about being comfortable with my life issues. ..
Today I woke up still stressed. Yes, my books were still in the boxes in the living room. But this wasn't the reason why I was stressed. I woke up and looked at my bank account. $590. As soon as I saw that number I began to panic. That is not enough for rent. I began to look into payday loans (which I actually learned are now illegal in Arizona) and once I learned I couldn't do that I looked at getting loans online. ((Confession time: Daniel and I use to use the hell out of payday loan places. Even after we knew that they are a terrible, terrible idea and a fantastic way to dig yourself into a deeper hole.)) Oh...I want to borrow $190 online? (That was all they would allow me since my credit is shit.) You are going to end up having to pay $700 by the end of it. Clearly that wasn't my answer. Nope...my answer to being $400 short on rent was to remove myself from the computer...go right back to bed..wake Daniel up...tell him I was stressed and we are short on rent..and bawl for the next two hours.
After crying for forever, I started frantically looking into trying to sell stuff on ebay...knowing that wouldn't even matter because there was only two days to come up with the money. I now had to rely on hoping that my books would bring in just a little money and that maybe we could go to the apartment management and beg to be given just a little more time.
I even prepared a box of things to pawn off. All my game systems...my favorite pool cue...some other various electronics..
This wasn't exactly how I imagined my journey to a minimalistic life would go. Selling frantically so that we could make rent. Not exactly poetic or fulfilling.
I want to kind of cut in for a second and say that this little bump we are going through financially is only temporary. We fell way behind with stuff when we moved and it hurt us even more when both my brother and my husband started off here jobless. When I said in my Facebook post that we wouldn't have been able to move if it weren't for help of family...I was completely serious. We wouldn't have had the money for a deposit for this place...or gas money to get there...or truck money. My brother and husband still are jobless and I am currently the only one bringing money in. And besides maybe two coffees total..I haven't been spending money on ANYTHING but the essentials. Gas and food. I know once we get settled and can finally get our heads above water..I actually could probably pay for everything on my own...but again...we fell so far behind we are STILL trying to play catch up. I by no means want y'all to feel bad for us...this is just a medium to help me cope with stress.
ANYWAYS...back to my panic attack. So, the only solution again, was to sell my books off and hope that it would bring us a little closer to what we needed for rent. (Mind you this is just RENT. Not even taking into account needing to come up with money for actual food, gas and maybe laundry soap.) We just wanted to get rent taken care of. And honestly, I had no idea as to how we are going to get closer to the total if we are still short.
So, all this was happening today. Which also happens to be the first day I start at my new HPB location in Mesa. New staff...new customers...new management team.
The plan was to drive out to work then have Daniel take the car back and take my books to my old store off to Camelback to sell.
So that's what we did. I drove out to work with Daniel. The car ride was very quiet because I am sure both of us were trying to figure out a way to get more money. In addition to that the sounds my car were making were stressing me out too. (She's been very chuggy lately. I'm sure she needs an oil change..) We got to the Mesa store and just sat in the car for ten minutes. When I got out Daniel gave me a hug and told me to just work and try not to go in there looking stressed because they may feed off of it. And I knew he was right.
So I put on as big of a smile as I could and marched into work. 9:30pm rolled around and Dan called the store. He said, "Well, it's done." And I felt my heart fall into my stomach. (I know that sounds corny..but my love for my books was immense and there's nothing more to it.) He then asked, "Guess how much." And I said hopefully, "$150?" He said, "Higher.". "$200?" "Higher." "Higher??? How much?" "$350."
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Thank you! Granted I knew those books were worth three times that amount..but I also know the business. He also said we still had four boxes as home, plus the box of electronic to pawn. Such a damn relief!!! That means we won't have to come up with very much more to have rent. And that's all that I care about. I will eat dirt for the next two damn weeks if I have to. I was in, as they would say, a glass case of emotion. A huge weight felt like it was lifted off my shoulders but at the same time I knew that was it. My books were gone. It hit me even harder when I got home and saw the piles of boxes were gone. I saw the boxes that he was talking about and sighed. I even still have a little left on my shelves that I have been having second thoughts on. My Shel Silverstein books...my vegan cookbooks...a small handful of records...cds I still wanted to rip before selling..
I know some day I'll find strength to get rid of those as well..But I had enough emotions going on at the moment.
So I still have probably a good four boxes left to sell. Then it would be time for focus on smaller things. I mean, I actually still want to focus on cleaning my car out first. I think that is a healthy small step. Or maybe that damn box still sitting in my bathroom.I am a little sad that I had to use they money towards something dumb like paying bills. It would have been nice to put it towards something greater. Like..oh..I dunno..a new car. But I am sure the more I stop spending the faster I will actually be able to save for a car that won't crap out on me. I am a certainly grateful that we got as much as we did for them. I know there will be people that will appreciate them in the end. I know I had some old coworkers that were already calling dibs on some things. And I KNOW they will be going to good homes.
It was funny because when I arrived to the store too..I walked over to see where I should put my stuff. I was looking for my stash shelf. FYI a "stash shelf" is something the company gives you as a holding place for books that you intend on buying. PS my shelf was always full. And I realized I probably won't even need a stash shelf anymore. Because I don't intend on buying anything. I really DON'T need one. And I don't even want one to tempt me. So I just use it to hold my purse. It's a bizarre way of thinking. I'm not going to need to worry about buying things anymore. As if it were some sort of burden. Which I suppose it was. WEEEEEIIIIRRRRD. Maybe I can just find some sort of hook to at least hang my bag. (THAT REMINDS ME! That made me think of all the other things I need to clean out and simplify. Like what I carry in my purse...and even...what I keep on my phone! My phone keeps yelling at me saying that I am running out of space...which is just hilarious to me cause it describes the constant problem I have in my life! haha! )
All that being said, I am still incredibly excited to go through my things and see the process of elimination. All of my items are going to be faced with the same question, "Do you hold value in my life? & Have I actually used you in the last month?" If not..it's gone. Another thing I think will be tough to let go of are my purses. I am a purse fanatic. I LOVE my purses. Ugh....No....I don't want to think about that right now.
Maybe tomorrow.
I know I also mentioned wanting to get back into the health swing of things..and that is still coming. :) I just have to get over this small hump first and I'll get my groove back! For now..I'm going to watch a movie and snuggle with my cats.
More later!
No comments:
Post a Comment